Transcription from a Dylan Moran standup, an Irish comedian.
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Hello, how, how are you?

Well that’s nice to know because... a lot of the time people lie, you know. When you ask them how they are, you know, if you meet somebody on the street or whatever and say “How you doing?” They say “I’m fine, how are you?” And you say “I’m fine,” and then you say, “See ya,” because you can’t really be bothered with human communication a lot of the time you know.

And if you tell people the truth they can often get very upset, you know, if somebody says “How you doing?” and you say “I’m terrible, I have piles, all my skin is falling off, I live with an old woman I don’t really know underground and we have to suck stones for money and I have a very rare eye disease and this amazing collection of ming objects that got broken yesterday by a falling pig, everything’s pretty shit and I wanna die,” what will the other person say? They’ll just go, “oh, ok see ya” because they you know…

And its errr, and the other thing, I am a man, and erm, well either that or a woman who’s really let herself go.
And its not easy being a man, you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.
I mean there….Men have a very bad image in the female media, you go to a women’s magazine. They do these surveys, they go to women they say, “what do you want from a man?”
And women always come out with the same kind of thing you know, they go, “oh just some kind of physical, psychical, intellectual melding really, where you get that oceanic feeling and you can create an environment where child rearing and the continual exploration of the existence of relationship is still possible, that’d be ok.”

And then they go to guys and they go to some hairy clump of a person called Wayne and they say, “how about you?” And he goes, “well I dunno errrrrrrr knockers wayyyyy! And maybe some of those crisps that taste a bit like pizza, can you get those at the same time?”
Not all men are like that, I know a guy in France…nevermind.

But the other thing is that a lot of the pressure that comes on men is from male media, you know you got all these new magazines like GQ and Broom and Trousers, all those things. And they are all this health, wealth, success and style stuff. Get a big watch, get a yacht, put the clock up the watch, all that crap.
And they, you know, and intimidating articles like brush your teeth, and your hair, oh piss off!

A big erm health scare on for men for testicular cancer, now that’s a pretty scary thing there… women don’t get that so much. And it’s a very difficult thing because you have to look for a lump…in a bag of lumps, and that can take a long time. And you have to do it yourself, because nobody actually wants to touch male genitalia anyway cos it looks like some kind of deep sea fish, you know that became extinct after about an half an hour, it just didn’t do very well.
And it’s a very difficult thing, you have to do it yourself, you have to touch yourself. And as a man you are designed to be aroused by most naturally occurring phenomena on the planet.

You know if you see a big bag of wheat or a bit of falling masonry, that can get you going. So…actually to touch yourself can be very dangerous, you can have 38 erections in a half an hour and get a very bad nose bleed. And its extremely important not to tell anybody if you do find one because you know what will happen, they lift you shoulder high through the streets going “lump, lump, lump!” and throw you in prison. And then little men will come in and beat you with spoons. That’s what happens, they cover it up but that’s what happens.

But anyway….. don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake!
Erm but anyway, older, we’re all gonna get older, it’s a very scary thing and people get all pathetic about it and they think, “I’m gonna get old gracefully, I’ll jog”…that doesn’t...death has a Vespa, you know, it doesn’t matter, and they… but how can you do it? Because...if you’re a man you lose your teeth and your hair, you go red you get fat and you’re attracted to beige clothes, so... you know.

If you’re a woman its not any easier, you get to a certain age, you know, you’ve finished bearing children, all that part of your life is over, perhaps you’re not quite so attractive as you once were before, perhaps, maybe, I’m just suggesting, what do I know? And then, you know, you’re not quite so interested in sex or... being alive, and then mother nature thinks “what can I do to improve the quality of this woman’s life, how can I help? What can I do for her? What is that magic thing I can, how, what, I know, a beard!” I mean that can’t be easy

And err... that’s about all from me, thank you very much, bye, bye.

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Haha, can't wait to see him live *waves tickets*

He's just starting a new tour but its only around the Uk and Ireland.
Hes got a live DVD out though, you can get it on amazon. "Monster" - I'm planning to do a complete transcription at some point, though its around an hour and a half long :eek:

Still, it would be worth it just to be able to read again and again

Did you get that from the Dylan Moran forum on EZboard? Because I wrote that! Ages ago. Crazy.